Here I go again. Yup, that time of year. Got to lose weight. Got to get my house in order. Got to defrump. Blah blah. Been there. Done that. How many times? 5, 10, 100?? How many times does someone start and stop something before it IS?
I am saying NO MORE. NO MORE will I hide behind a layer of body fat to keep everyone, including myself, away from who I am inside. NO MORE will I slowly eat myself to death, shaving days, months, YEARS off of my life. NO MORE will I be afraid to speak up, say what I want, do what I want, try what I want, wear what I want because someone might say "shut up fatty".
So today I am weighing in at a whopping 210...not my all-time fat, but not a number I feel like announcing in my facebook status either, kwim. And for the first time, maybe ever, I am going to start looking at WHY I make such poor choices, over and over. With food, with men, with money...it's too much of a pattern to be a coincidence. What am I missing INSIDE that I am trying so hard to fill (literally some days).
I recently read "When Food Is Love". Just reading it helped me put down the oreo's for a few weeks. I think I need to start by reading it again. There is something I am trying to fill inside; something I have always been trying to fill inside. I have chosen, at different times in my life, to fill it with different things: food, sex, stuff I could buy -- and it all ended up in the same place: Excess. Regardless if it is excess weight, excess lovers or excess credit card debt -- it brought me to the same place - stuck in a place I don't know how to get out of, ashamed, alone, and a disgusted with myself. Food, money and sex/love --- seems to be the trifecta for me -- all 3 have never been in balance for me at the same time.
I have a secret life that imagine. In that life, I am thin, healthy, confident, beautiful. I am accomplished. I dress beautifully, every day - even running to the grocery store. I am in love with an EQUAL; not a man-child I must take care of, or a father figure to boss me around. I run marathons. I repel down mountains. I play tennis. I take vacations to exotic places and go topless on the beach. I dance all night on tables in Greece. I play with my son outside in the sunshine, riding bikes, trail walking, fishing, skipping, hopping, running. I lovingly caress a baby bump of a future child. I am STRONG. I live in a beautiful, airy BRIGHT home with no clutter. I have no debt. I drive an Audi Q7.
This is the life I want to live - I am going to be 37. If not now, then WHEN? The time is now, the place is here; I don't know if I am "ready" to do this. But when will I be? If I don't start, how will I know?
